apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
