Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
