So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
