Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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