I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize