You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
