Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
