The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
