my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
