a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Randomize
