Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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