I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How does one acquire holy water?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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