I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
