one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
