We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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