The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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