he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
