There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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