I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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