Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
