so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize