It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
