if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
