Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Randomize
