I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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