She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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