Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
