remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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