I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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