her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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