I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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