I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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