so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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