i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
