I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
