____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
