the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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