so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
