You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
