his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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