if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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