his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There r osticjed everywhere
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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