hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
