I am spending my child support on dildos
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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