Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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