I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
