I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize