I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
