matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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