Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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