Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
They took my balls.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
