I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
