lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
