I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
