It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My vagina just clenched in fear
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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