ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
