i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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