I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
