How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
