The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize