I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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