I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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