You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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