i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
