i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
