And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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